Good Idea, Bad Idea

So every few years or so, if things are going swell and peachy-keen, I like to go crazy and mess up everything in my life. I dump boyfriends, make REALLY bad choices, stop going to class, things like that. Afterward I think, “What the hell did I just do?” because I don’t realize I’m doing it until I look at all the chaos that was caused by me. I recently did this. I decided that I was going to start making better choices and I would do this by thinking, “What would my friend do?” See my friend makes really good choices. She always goes to class, goes to bed early, makes all the right decisions and still has fun. This has worked really well… So far.

There’s this guy I like. I’m an idiot for liking him, I really am. He lives over an hour away when I’m at school. He’s currently still pining for a girl that broke up with him over 3 months ago. He’s as emotionally disturbed as I am, if not more. This would not work. But it’s hard for me when people pay attention to me. Once people do that, I’m a sucker for them. I don’t know what it is. Maybe something in my early developmental stages that I missed out on… I don’t know. I feel as if he leads me on and then suddenly doesn’t have any interest in me. It’s frustrating. It’s really frustrating knowing that my question, “What would my friend do?” doesn’t work for this situation. She would say, “NO! Bad you! You know better!” but there’s something so tempting about him. I feel like… I don’t know. I know I’m being stupid about this, but something is stopping me from making the right decisions. Maybe my period of stupidity and destruction has been extended this time…

Sleeping schedules

So since I’ve come home from school, my average amount of sleep has gone from about 8-9 hours to anywhere from 6-12 hours a night. Sometimes I sleep wonderfully like last night and get 12 hours, others I sleep horribly and sleep for about 6 if I’m lucky. Also, my sleep schedule went from in bed by 2 awake by 10 to sleep by 6am awake by 4. Yeah. I know. I’ve tried to fix my sleep schedule but I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve tried. I really have. But I don’t have any thing to do right now. I finally had a call back and finally got a job interview and I should hear by Tuesday whether or not I get my job. I hope I do. It will give me something to do on a regular basis.

I went to a party the other day. That was so much fun. Honestly one of the best parties I’ve ever been to. It was fun. Things happened that I didn’t expect. People showed how they felt about one another. I showed how I felt about someone else that I didn’t expect to ever say anything to, let alone show them. It wasn’t that crazy. It was sweet. It was elementary school. It was what I’m looking for.

For me, love should be simple. Love should be sweet. That’s what this was. I’m not calling it love. It would never work out with this person. It could be a fun time, but I don’t think it would ever work out.

I love it when I get advice from people that I don’t expect. My some people in my circle of friends decided to start hating me for something that didn’t even happen. A friend of one that is hating me talked to me and actually boosted my spirits because he said after I stated that they made me feel awful, was that “an awful person makes others feel awful.” It was what I needed to hear. It really was. I felt so much better. Usually when I start thinking about the situation I just get depressed and go into a spiral of self pity but after he said that I felt so much better about the situation. It was an emotional pick me up.

Elephant ears and Hitler mustaches

So today I went to the yearly fair in my home town. It’s always worth while to go because I get to eat awesome roasted corn (which this year was kinda sucky) elephant ears and K burgers. They’re made by the Kiwanis club, that’s why they’re called K burgers. They’re really nothing more than GFS hamburgers but because they’re cooked on the grills that haven’t been cleaned since ever they have years and years of flavor built up. They’re amazing.

They also have a game every year that my family plays. It’s the one with the floating ducks going around in a little channel thing and you pick one up and it has something on the bottom saying which type of prize you get. It’s kinda dumb but so nostaligic that we always play it.

This year we played a new game. The goldfish game. The one where all of these gold fish are trapped in little bowls and you throw ping pong balls at their bowls to try and win one. It’s summer. We just cleaned out our pond and all of our gold fish from last year either were eaten by cats or birds, both of which I had seen happen. So we played. What more fun way is there to get goldfish since they don’t let you pick them out yourself when you go to the pet shop. We got 5.

We’re driving home and I’m looking at all the fish. They’re pretty big for goldfish. One had a Hitler mustache, so I named it Hitler. Another one had a moustache but it was curlier, like Mousilini. I then decided to name the rest of the fish Tojo, Stalin and Marx because he had a beard.

I have a job interview tomorrow. Let’s hope that goes well. I need a job but I kinda don’t want one. I like summer to be my break time where I sit around the house and do nothing. But I’ve definitely gotten to the point where I don’t see a point to getting out of bed before 2 because I have nothing to do.

I talked to the GM at the radio station I used to work at. I said, “If you need any help at all, LET ME KNOW! I’m sooo bored!” He actually might need the help which I thought was super awesome.

I’m having problems with my inner ear fluid. It’s swishing when it shouldn’t be. I heard something moving in my ear earlier. It was definitely fluidy. It was gross. I don’t know what to do about it but it’s making me dizzy at inopportune times. Like now.

Guess I’ll go eat worms…

So for some reason, everyone this school year decided that they were going to hate me. Why, I don’t know. I have vague ideas but nothing serious enough for people to outright hate and ignore me and ostricize me. Instead of dating on friend and eventually breaking his heart (I would’ve been his first girlfriend and first kiss, ’nuff said) I decided to be a good person and tell him, “Sorry, I don’t want to hurt your feelings. I really like you but I want to be your friend more.” He decided to hate me and completely ignore me. And then there’s my other friend who decided that since I dated his best friend/idol and broke up with him that I was now public enemy #1.

I finally got to the point where I thought next year might be okay. Instead I’m going to be completely ostricized from my group of friends. I plan to bury myself in my school work.

This really sucks. I’ve lost my best friends. I can’t do any thing about it either. I’ve tried. I’ve talked to people and all I get is, “Sorry, do I know you? Don’t I hate you? Oh yeah! I do!”

-sad face-

Megatron is not in the neighbors yard

I baby sat my little brother yesterday. I’ve always said that little kids are weird. So are adults. So are catholics, but that’s beside the point. I baby sat my youngest brother today. We went outside and he was riding his bike. He kept riding through the neighbors yard. I told him numerous times that he needed to stop because it wasn’t nice and that they probably didn’t like it. He looked at me the final time and said, “But Megatron is in their yard.” To which I replied with a sentence that I still cannot believe I actually uttered. I am serious, I said this in all seriousness.

“I don’t care if Megatron is in their yard, it gives you no right to ride your bike through it.”

Every time I think I want to have kids, I just go and spend the day with him and realize that no, I really don’t want to have kids.

I’m supposed to baby sit again today. I don’t think I’m going to. I was driving home from dropping off a friend last night and it started raining. Hard. So hard that I couldn’t see the car behind me. I hate driving. I hate driving at night. I hate driving in the rain or any type of precipitation for that matter. Add all of these together and this equals disaster. Or at least so I thought. Instead of pulling over and waiting for the rain to pass like I should’ve done, I continued to drive, listening to Tiny Dancer thinking, “This is going to be the last song I ever hear because I’m going to die driving tonight.” It took every bit of my sanity (which there isn’t much of) to not go into a fit of hysterics while the rain was resembling hurricane conditions.

I’ve suffered from panic attacks for a long time. About 7 was when I got my first serious one that I remember. I was watching Rocko’s Modern Life. It was also the first time I remember my dad acting like a dad. He came up to me and asked me what was wrong. I told him and he comforted me. He did so in a way that I don’t think has ever since that moment. I love my dad dearly. I love my mom dearly. We are not very open people when it comes to our emotions so this is not odd to me. I’ve always thought that crying was showing a sign of weakness. I don’t know why, no one ever told me that. I just have never liked crying and when I do cry I feel weak and pathetic. This, I hope, helps you into the inner-workings of me.

I don’t want to drive again for a while. It’s supposed to rain again today. I don’t want to drive in it.

Like a hair dryer in the shower

Sometimes, I really worry about myself. I don’t think like normal people. I should rephrase that: I don’t think like what I think normal people think like. I get an email from an ex saying that he found some of my stuff when he was moving, a hair dryer included. My response was, “The hair dryer, sure, I’ll take it. You can always use an extra one. You never know when you need to throw one in the shower with someone… “ to which I chuckled out loud. This is in response to an email where he actually said that he missed me. There is so much with this situation that I never want to think about again, so I’m not going into the gruesome details yet again. He seems to have some sort of alarm that signals him when I’m feeling most vulnerable and alone and desperate. This is when he’ll call me or email me telling me how much he misses me and how much he loves me and how much he wishes that we were still together.  Before, in the past, I have fallen for this and have gone back to him. Now, when I’m feeling the lowest I have in a while and I just want someone to tell me that they care for me and that I am worth while, he tells me again that he misses me. So the “hair dryer in the shower” thing was probably a defense mechanism. Try to scare him away. Yeah. That’s it. Either that or I’m just demented. Could be either, could be both. Who knows? I certainly don’t.

Root vegetables

So I planted today. I planted a lot today. I mean, like 30 plants today. I was going through, digging little holes with my hands, which are now super dry because the clay content in our soil is just so that we can’t make pots out of it. I’m digging little holes and my favorite part was pulling up the roots from the plants that were there before we tilled. It was fun. So then I decide, next year, I’m planting carrots, potatoes, onions and radishes.

I also started a compost pile today and I don’t think that anyone should be that excited about starting a compost pile. I went through and raked up all of the roots that I had just pulled up. I raked all of the weeds that I cut yesterday. I was going to put “that I eated” and almost left it, but I felt odd about it. I went inside and cleaned up all of the food left out from dinner last night like an uneaten baked potato and a bit of steak and some mushrooms. I threw those in. I made coffee and threw the grounds on top. I’m really, stupidly excited about having a compost pile. Maybe because I wanted to last year and my ex told me that it was a dumb idea. Maybe because I started it on the old patch of yard that he had planted our tomatoes. He planted them in an area that got little to no direct sunlight even though I told him where the perfect place was.

I didn’t know my grandfather very well. By the time I got old enough to appreactiate him and his stories, he was calling me by a different name every time he saw me. He died about 1.5 years ago. He was a great cook and left us many great recipes and great kitchen ware. He was a professional chef in New Jersey in the 1950′s. The day he retired from his restaurant it went from a 5 star to a 3 star. He moved out to Indiana to be with his wife. They had an odd relationship. I blame all of my dysfunctional relationships on them. He decided that he was going to have a garden to help pass his time. This is where I suggested we put the tomatoes last year. My ex ignored me and put the tomatoes in a spot where they didn’t do as well as they should have. This is where I started my compost pile.

I’m all about vengeance. I’m incredibly vindictive, so when I decided that hell or high water, I was going to make a compost pile, I chose the best spot: right where he ignored me.

Hello world!

Yeah, I decided to keep the goofy title that WordPress gives you. It’s goofy but what ever.

So I’m home for the summer. Lots of weird things have happened. Not really but I like to tell myself that so that I feel better about me sleeping in until 2pm every day.

So, I’ve been eating these awesome Fiber One bars. They’re great because they taste like Kudos bars but they’re healthier, or at least that’s what they want you to believe. I don’t know for sure, I haven’t compared the boxes or anything because my mom is the one who buys them. But they’re extra fiber-y so that means I went from having no gas ever, to creating these monstrous vibrations that I’m pretty sure half of the house can hear, but they don’t know where they’re coming from. They might think that something is wrong with the air conditioner. That’s what I like to think at least. I’ve noticed though, that after I release these gaseous emissions, the one cat, Trouble who is aptly named, likes to walk into the room and crawl up next to me. I don’t have enough data to see if this is just a coincidence or if I have a cat that likes the smell of farts. I don’t know yet. I will update once I’ve collected the right amount of data.

So I have this ex boyfriend, well I have a couple of them actually, but the one who is really annoying, okay most of them are annoying. The one who is the most persistent likes to randomly call me. Not that big of a deal except he likes to call me drunk and then have a pseudo intellectual conversation before telling me that he’s sorry for being an ass after we broke up and how he wants to be friends again and usually some sort of half veiled marriage proposal. They’re not necessarily in that order, sometimes the marriage proposal comes like: “You know, if I ever got married, it would have to be a spur of the moment thing, you know? What do you think?” This is the point where I say that I want the fairy tale wedding and blah blah blah just so that he’ll get distracted in his drunken stupor and find something else to talk to me about. The last time he talked to me, well the time before last that he talked to me, he must have been drunker than normal because he actually said, “You know, if you ever want to elope, just come drive the 4 hours to see me and we’ll get married.” I’ve been around enough drunk people and have been told enough stories about drunk people that you just nod your head and agree with them until they pass out or throw up. He just happened to start to lose his buzz and had to go so he could take more shots. From this, you can probably guess why we broke up. Well, one reason why we broke up.

K, I’m done for now. I don’t know when I’ll update again. Probably when I get bored and I need something to do so that I don’t feel like I’m wasting my life watching TV.

P.S. Fiber bars+coffee and milk (lactose intolerance)= no good for anyone…