It’s something that we’re all expected to do: Grow up. It’s something that me and many other Peter Pan devotees have detested the thought of since we wished we could fly. Unfortunately it is something that we are required to do to some degree or another.

Lately I’ve found that the people around me have never really gotten there. I’ve always thought of myself as more mature for my age than I should be. I dealt with a messy divorce and semi-messy custody battle when I was 7. I dealt with a death of sibling at 12 and being disowned by my father at 13. My “crazy teenage years” lasted about a week when I was 10. I never went and partied or got so trashed I didn’t know my name or slept with a stranger. I just never saw the point. I had opportunities to, but I just decided not to.

I’ve noticed that the people around me haven’t grown out of that yet. They enjoy partying every weekend, all weekend. They enjoy the promiscuous sex with total strangers. They don’t understand that when they do this they just look like idiots.

I was asked by my friends who were disowning me to go out drinking during the last week of the semester. It was finals week. I was alright with it because I only had 2 finals and they were on Tuesday and Friday. When the talk of “getting trashed” came up, I decided that I was just going to not go. I’ve been drunk, I’ve had hangovers, I’ve spent all day in bed with a bucket next to me. I don’t really enjoy it…I don’t see the point. I do enjoy drinking but I like doing it because I actually enjoy the taste of alcohol. I like beer. I’m quite the beer snob. If it costs more for a 6 pack than a cube of Natty Light, then I probably like it. My friends enjoy getting trashed and wasted and stumbling home from the bars. Yeah, I’d rather not appear like a victim to a rapist or kidnapper. That might just be me though.

It might be the fact that they all are using their college experiences as an excuse to get wild and go crazy. When they have to worry about what classes to take, I have to worry about if I can even take classes. They worry what their parents think about their relationships and their living situations, I have to worry about what disease my mom has and whether or not she’s going to die in the next week/month/year.

The other day on facebook, someone I am friends with decided to put a very pointed passive aggressive status about how someone was being immature. When I decided to be snarky and say that it’s not mature to be passive agressive, especially on facebook, they said that they were young so it was okay. He’s 20. If you recognize it as immature, you probably shouldn’t do it unless you’re alright with acting like a middle schooler. It’s people like this that are making excuses to keep up this idea that middle school and high school were AWEEEESOME! and that it’s alright to continue to act like children who were never disciplined. If you act stupid, people are going to think you are stupid.

Two friends of mine have girlfriends who are friends and go to the same school. My two friends are in college. Their girlfriends are in high school. When they sit around and gossip about what “skank” slept with who and why it pissed them off because their friend was totally sleeping with them too, it makes me thank what ever higher beings that 1, I’m not like that and 2, I never was like that. I spent about 30 minutes sitting at a distance to them while they decided that they were going to compare boob sizes complete with real live nekkid boobs. I just sat and wondered, “Why?”

I know I probably sound really immature by writing all of this. “Why don’t you talk to your friends about this?” Because I’m trying to stay away from them anyway. Why come back randomly into their life and say, “You’re acting kinda like an idiot, don’tcha think?” Yeah, I’d rather avoid that messy confrontation.

My friends that were avoiding me have pretty much disowned me. I was upset at this idea at first but now I’m okay with it. If their idea of fun is getting drunk and paying for it the next day, that’s fine with me. They can keep that up. I’m just going to be over here staying out of the piles of vomit. The only contact we’ve had in the past month has been 1 email asking me about what I’ve been doing. As what usually happens, I wrote a lengthy email and got a minuscule email response. Awesome.

I’ve been battling a bad case of depression lately. My mom has some mystery disease that’s making her miserable and her doctor I don’t trust to write me a prescription for a sugar pill. I have a job but I’m not going to make enough money to go back to school in the fall. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ve tried to think about it but I decide that sitting and thinking about ponies and kitties and koalas is a lot better than crying for hours about how my life hasn’t gone the way I’ve wanted it to at all, and I’m only 21.

I’ve spent a good portion of my summer sleeping and not sleeping. I find that I’m happiest when I have little sleep. I enjoy staying up all hours of the night being the only one awake and working on what ever project I have at the moment. I love my Boy dearly but right now I’ve only wanted to be alone and not have anyone else be near me. I enjoy my solitude and I haven’t had it since I’ve left school.

I’m going to stop now I think. I hate reading long blog entries and mine is getting pretty lengthy…I’ll probably write more this summer. I have the time and the need.