Today it’s been rainy as it has been for most of the new year. Either rainy or snowy and no sun to be found. It really puts a damper on things. I haven’t updated because I haven’t needed to. I usually have someone to talk to about my problems so I don’t have to write but unfortunately I’ve exhausted those outlets and I need someone/thing to talk to and complain to.

Being a stupid curious cat today, I decided to look at what an old ex was doing. The one that slept with a “friend” of mine days after we broke up and was so heartbroken that I didn’t want to marry him. Well he’s engaged. To who I thought was a lesbian. This brings up numerous questions: Did he cheat on me with her when they went out when we were dating? Is she really a lesbian? Did he really love me or did he just love the idea of being married? Why do I care about this so much? He was a man, who in my mind for years, was the one I was going to marry and settle down with and have red headed babies with. I grew up though and decided I didn’t want that with someone who would cheat on someone they “loved.” I hope things work out for him and that I don’t get curious again about him.

I’m also having problems with my friends. I feel like they’re excluding me. The last time they did this it was because I was making dumb choices. This also bothered me because when another friend of theirs was making equally dumb choices they were still friends with her and just chose to ignore her stupid choices. They completely cut me out of their lives last time and I feel like they’re doing it again only this time I haven’t done anything that could cause this type of behavior. And this is only going to get worse because, guess what, I can’t afford to pay my tuition this semester so that means I can’t come back next year. So the little contact I do have with my friends is probably going to completely disappear. So that makes me feel awesome.

I get to spend the entire summer at home with my stepdad who last summer threatened to kick me out if I didn’t get a job. This is the same guy who sat on his ass for 9 months before he got a job. I have to deal with him and my family who in general, usually hates each other. Luckily I do have friends who so far, haven’t left me and haven’t ignored me.

And of course my boy is still being fantastic. I feel guilty because I love him so much but right now I’m really upset that my ex is engaged. I don’t know why but it’s upsetting. It’s not that I don’t think that Boy is right. We’ve talked about getting engaged and we’ve talked about getting married and living together and running away to Vancouver together and living in a semi as he drives cross country. I just feel kinda betrayed because Ex claimed all of these things about how much he loved me and cared for me and I feel that they were just a lie. He did lie to me a lot so it’s fitting. It’s just a big thing I need to get over. And anyone I talk to is probably going to tell me that I’m an idiot and I shouldn’t be upset about this and I’m not upset, just really fucking confused.

And this rain totally isn’t helping.