In which I question maturity

It’s something that we’re all expected to do: Grow up. It’s something that me and many other Peter Pan devotees have detested the thought of since we wished we could fly. Unfortunately it is something that we are required to do to some degree or another.

Lately I’ve found that the people around me have never really gotten there. I’ve always thought of myself as more mature for my age than I should be. I dealt with a messy divorce and semi-messy custody battle when I was 7. I dealt with a death of sibling at 12 and being disowned by my father at 13. My “crazy teenage years” lasted about a week when I was 10. I never went and partied or got so trashed I didn’t know my name or slept with a stranger. I just never saw the point. I had opportunities to, but I just decided not to.

I’ve noticed that the people around me haven’t grown out of that yet. They enjoy partying every weekend, all weekend. They enjoy the promiscuous sex with total strangers. They don’t understand that when they do this they just look like idiots.

I was asked by my friends who were disowning me to go out drinking during the last week of the semester. It was finals week. I was alright with it because I only had 2 finals and they were on Tuesday and Friday. When the talk of “getting trashed” came up, I decided that I was just going to not go. I’ve been drunk, I’ve had hangovers, I’ve spent all day in bed with a bucket next to me. I don’t really enjoy it…I don’t see the point. I do enjoy drinking but I like doing it because I actually enjoy the taste of alcohol. I like beer. I’m quite the beer snob. If it costs more for a 6 pack than a cube of Natty Light, then I probably like it. My friends enjoy getting trashed and wasted and stumbling home from the bars. Yeah, I’d rather not appear like a victim to a rapist or kidnapper. That might just be me though.

It might be the fact that they all are using their college experiences as an excuse to get wild and go crazy. When they have to worry about what classes to take, I have to worry about if I can even take classes. They worry what their parents think about their relationships and their living situations, I have to worry about what disease my mom has and whether or not she’s going to die in the next week/month/year.

The other day on facebook, someone I am friends with decided to put a very pointed passive aggressive status about how someone was being immature. When I decided to be snarky and say that it’s not mature to be passive agressive, especially on facebook, they said that they were young so it was okay. He’s 20. If you recognize it as immature, you probably shouldn’t do it unless you’re alright with acting like a middle schooler. It’s people like this that are making excuses to keep up this idea that middle school and high school were AWEEEESOME! and that it’s alright to continue to act like children who were never disciplined. If you act stupid, people are going to think you are stupid.

Two friends of mine have girlfriends who are friends and go to the same school. My two friends are in college. Their girlfriends are in high school. When they sit around and gossip about what “skank” slept with who and why it pissed them off because their friend was totally sleeping with them too, it makes me thank what ever higher beings that 1, I’m not like that and 2, I never was like that. I spent about 30 minutes sitting at a distance to them while they decided that they were going to compare boob sizes complete with real live nekkid boobs. I just sat and wondered, “Why?”

I know I probably sound really immature by writing all of this. “Why don’t you talk to your friends about this?” Because I’m trying to stay away from them anyway. Why come back randomly into their life and say, “You’re acting kinda like an idiot, don’tcha think?” Yeah, I’d rather avoid that messy confrontation.

My friends that were avoiding me have pretty much disowned me. I was upset at this idea at first but now I’m okay with it. If their idea of fun is getting drunk and paying for it the next day, that’s fine with me. They can keep that up. I’m just going to be over here staying out of the piles of vomit. The only contact we’ve had in the past month has been 1 email asking me about what I’ve been doing. As what usually happens, I wrote a lengthy email and got a minuscule email response. Awesome.

I’ve been battling a bad case of depression lately. My mom has some mystery disease that’s making her miserable and her doctor I don’t trust to write me a prescription for a sugar pill. I have a job but I’m not going to make enough money to go back to school in the fall. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ve tried to think about it but I decide that sitting and thinking about ponies and kitties and koalas is a lot better than crying for hours about how my life hasn’t gone the way I’ve wanted it to at all, and I’m only 21.

I’ve spent a good portion of my summer sleeping and not sleeping. I find that I’m happiest when I have little sleep. I enjoy staying up all hours of the night being the only one awake and working on what ever project I have at the moment. I love my Boy dearly but right now I’ve only wanted to be alone and not have anyone else be near me. I enjoy my solitude and I haven’t had it since I’ve left school.

I’m going to stop now I think. I hate reading long blog entries and mine is getting pretty lengthy…I’ll probably write more this summer. I have the time and the need.

Rainy days=rainy moods

Today it’s been rainy as it has been for most of the new year. Either rainy or snowy and no sun to be found. It really puts a damper on things. I haven’t updated because I haven’t needed to. I usually have someone to talk to about my problems so I don’t have to write but unfortunately I’ve exhausted those outlets and I need someone/thing to talk to and complain to.

Being a stupid curious cat today, I decided to look at what an old ex was doing. The one that slept with a “friend” of mine days after we broke up and was so heartbroken that I didn’t want to marry him. Well he’s engaged. To who I thought was a lesbian. This brings up numerous questions: Did he cheat on me with her when they went out when we were dating? Is she really a lesbian? Did he really love me or did he just love the idea of being married? Why do I care about this so much? He was a man, who in my mind for years, was the one I was going to marry and settle down with and have red headed babies with. I grew up though and decided I didn’t want that with someone who would cheat on someone they “loved.” I hope things work out for him and that I don’t get curious again about him.

I’m also having problems with my friends. I feel like they’re excluding me. The last time they did this it was because I was making dumb choices. This also bothered me because when another friend of theirs was making equally dumb choices they were still friends with her and just chose to ignore her stupid choices. They completely cut me out of their lives last time and I feel like they’re doing it again only this time I haven’t done anything that could cause this type of behavior. And this is only going to get worse because, guess what, I can’t afford to pay my tuition this semester so that means I can’t come back next year. So the little contact I do have with my friends is probably going to completely disappear. So that makes me feel awesome.

I get to spend the entire summer at home with my stepdad who last summer threatened to kick me out if I didn’t get a job. This is the same guy who sat on his ass for 9 months before he got a job. I have to deal with him and my family who in general, usually hates each other. Luckily I do have friends who so far, haven’t left me and haven’t ignored me.

And of course my boy is still being fantastic. I feel guilty because I love him so much but right now I’m really upset that my ex is engaged. I don’t know why but it’s upsetting. It’s not that I don’t think that Boy is right. We’ve talked about getting engaged and we’ve talked about getting married and living together and running away to Vancouver together and living in a semi as he drives cross country. I just feel kinda betrayed because Ex claimed all of these things about how much he loved me and cared for me and I feel that they were just a lie. He did lie to me a lot so it’s fitting. It’s just a big thing I need to get over. And anyone I talk to is probably going to tell me that I’m an idiot and I shouldn’t be upset about this and I’m not upset, just really fucking confused.

And this rain totally isn’t helping.

So hungry…

I know I’ve been quiet. It’s alright though. I’ve been busy. School is just as busy as I was hoping it would be. Boy is still amazing. Classes are going well. Except tuition.

Every year, I have the same problem. Something with my financial aid gets messed up and I can’t sign up for classes and I can’t eat for a day or two. I still haven’t gotten to sign up for my classes and I haven’t eaten an actual meal since Sunday night when I was at Boy’s. It sucks eating junk food and granola bars as my meals. Last night I had popcorn for dinner. I think I had a total of 500 calories yesterday. At least I’ll lose those 5lbs I was wanting to lose right?

This post is going to be short. I don’t have much else to say. Nothing exciting is happening, which I am thankful for.

Park park parking…Lame

So I’m back at school now. I realized that I’ve been quiet for the past few however long. Why is this? Boy. Blame him. He’s been disctracting me quite a lot lately. So much so that I didn’t even get everything packed when I wanted to so that moving back to school would be easier. But oh well.

I’ve been “home” for 3 days now and everything is just as I thought it would be. All of the drama that I thought people would get over because they realized that they were adults has just been drudged up again. Whoo. I wasn’t even back for 6 hours when I realized just how bad this year was going to be if I was going to try to keep the same friends. It really does make me sad but I’ve cried enough about this already so I’m just going to become a bigger person and try to ignore it. I’ve addressed these problems before and all I got was, “YOU’RE A BIG MEANIE STUPID HEAD! GO AWAY!!!!!!1111oneonetwo” so now I’m just going to get over it. Hmmph.

Although, it feels like I’m losing a lot of friends lately. After I started dating Boy, half of my summer friends decided that I shouldn’t be invited to anything ever again. I’ve always been told the people who matter will stick around no matter what and the ones who don’t really matter will be the ones who leave.

And having a boyfriend who lives 2 hours away is tough. Don’t know if you knew that or not but it is. I like him a lot and he likes me a lot too. I really think we can make this work. I have faith in us. I really do. The future will not be easy for us. The only times we will get to see each other is on the weekends and breaks. After that, if we look to the future, I hope to get an internship next summer abroad. After that I hope to have a job that’s not here and he will still have another year of school. We can do it though. I have faith in him. I feel like he will be important to me.

Although I did find out why his ex girlfriend was being so crazy. It made a lot of sense. I think she’s done now though. I hope she’s done now. She moved up to the same town that Boy goes to school in and that makes me nervous. I don’t know what she might do. Friends have told me though that the only reason why she moved was because she thought she still had a chance with him. I’m have faith in him. I trust him not to make any stupid decisions because he’s a smart boy. That and I threatened to publicly castrate him and then emotionally and socially destroy him. I hope those will be enough for him to not make any stupid choices.

I’m all about people making smart choices. A lot of people that I know lately have been making dumb ones. I’ve constantly told a friend in the past week to make smart choices. She’s doing a pretty good job so far. I like to think that I’ve been making smart choices lately. I’m being a good girl. -nods head-

Classes start Monday. I hope to drown myself in work so that I can get awesome grades this semester and have a distraction from the fact that Boy lives 2 hours away. I might start playing Diablo II more seriously…

I turn 21 in 16 days! WHOO! That’s exciting!

K, I’m done.

Oh the places you’ll go!

Since we last left our heroine she was trying to figure out a fickle boy, had a best friend who went crazy and she was reminiscing about tackling the world’s biggest booger.

Now back to the show!

Well….I’m not going to lie. A lot has changed in even the past 3 weeks. I gave up on boy I liked. He was too much of a hassle. He never kept his plans and that bothers me a lot. So I gave another guy a try. I’m glad I gave him that try. He was already better than first guy when he showed up on time on our first date. Not only that he showed up on time, but that he showed up at all. We saw the awesome new Harry Potter movie and then ate dinner and went on a 5 hour car drive all over the northern part of our state. A great first date in my opinion. The best first date I’ve ever had. It was awesome. This past week has just been so many positive adjectives that I can’t put them all down and the sentence still be legible. I’m so happy right now with this guy and he’s showing signs that he enjoys spending time with me too. Good all around.

Except his crazy ex girl friend. Except that once we go back to school we will be 2 hours apart. Except that he’s 1’1″ taller than me….But I’m just going to ignore these things for a while. Probably until they become relevant.

And as for my best friend who went crazy. He decided that he wasn’t ready for a romantic relationship. He broke it off. I danced in my seat when he told me. I’m glad he’s realizing that he didn’t want to try to commit to that sort of thing when he wasn’t ready to yet. I’m glad that he was man enough to make the decision instead of being with someone and them both being unhappy. I’m happy that he’s more of an adult than my parents are. Anyway.

There’s an update on my life right now. Hopefully things will stay just as awesome as they are right now. -fingers- crossed-

Bafflement pt. 2

So now I’m going to explain the second part of my problem.

I like boy. Boy likes me. Boy plans to do things with me such as go to the movies. Then all of a sudden they get canceled. 3 times. The last time was because all of the clocks in his house were off by an hour. This is an excuse that I still don’t think I believe. Most people by this point would say, “Forget him. Seriously.” I would in a normal situation but he baffles me. Most men are easy to read. I know when they like me, I know when they’re upset, I (usually) know when they’re lying. I never know what’s going on with him. It’s nice. It’s different. It’s unpredictable and I like it! I don’t know what the next step is going to mean. It’s also kinda frustrating because I’m the type of person who makes plans and keeps them unless severe sickness, injury or death in the family. So having plans canceled 3 times in a week just pisses me off. We were supposed to hang out and watch movies today because we are both movie lovers and he was feeling sick so he decided no. I don’t get it! I don’t understand! I’m completely baffled with him! If I had to put one emotion with this relationship it would be bafflement. Definitely.

He completely baffles me and I don’t know if I like it or not. Guh.

Post Untitled

I would like to preface this by saying that I am sick and have a sinus infection, so if things don’t make sense or are just odd (more so than usual) that’s why.

I’m going to start this story off with the tale of the world’s biggest booger.

Once upon a time, a young college woman was starting to feel sick. She’d been sick like this before: it was a sinus infection. Her throat was tender and her sinuses hurt in general. However much she wanted to just go to bed and lay down and sleep away her sick, she knew that school work was very important at the time. So she soldiered on. She was sitting at a table in the lounge while her friends were off having fun and feeling well as many were doing at the time. One of her friends though was in the same situation that she was and he was kind enough to study with her.

All of a sudden, she had the urge to blow her nose. She pulled out a hanky and blew her nose. What came out was a very big surprise. It was the world’s biggest booger. Seriously, this thing was about the size of a half dollar. Huge. She then sat and tried to figure out what would have made her create something so large. She then remembered about 1 month before that fateful day, she decided to have a few drinks with friends. It was a normal night, tons of fun. The next day though, was not fun at all. She might have thrown up a couple of times. Once it even went in her sinus cavities. She smelled puke for days. And that’s when she realized that the booger that came out of her nose was really just puke that had kept itself lodged in her sinus cavity for over a month.

Moral of the story, get a neti pot. The end.

Now this actually happned to me. It was awful. It was also pretty cool. I totally showed it off.

So I was in the shower today, trying to loosen up the gunk in my head and chest, when I realized, boobs are weird.

Now I want a neti pot. And a popcicle. And pancakes. My ears hurt. My nose is skin is really dry and chapped. I’m gonna go to sleep I think.

Bafflement

bafflement – n. :confusion resulting from failure to understand

You ever sit down and think about a situation and then realize that you have no idea what’s going on. Like, absolutely none at all.  You think something is going well just to be punched in the face with the truth. That’s how the past week has been for me. Everything, I thought, was going well. I like boy, boy likes me. There shouldn’t be a problem, right? He then seems distant. I’m trying not to get too emotionally attached to boy because come fall and school, we go off to different towns and live far away from each other. Okay not really far away, like 2 hours but still.

Then there is my friend, N. I’ve known him since 8th grade when I switched school districts. He reminded me a lot of my brother so I think that’s why I became friends with him. That’s all it’s ever been between us, friendship. It’s one of the few male relationships I’ve had that hasn’t turned into, “I’m in love with you and I want to be more than friends,” which we all hate. When we met we started talking and come to find out, he’s friends with a friend of mine. R. I’ve known her since 3rd grade. I’ve seen what she does to people and at this time, we were not on speaking terms. We aren’t now either. She’s knifing and manipulative. She’s very good at it too. I try not to say anything to N and just become friends with him.

Fast forward to freshman year of college. We both end up going to the same school which I am very thankful for. He starts talking about R more and more and the way he talks about her went from “She’s just a friend” talk to “I want to be with her” talk. I start to warn him. We make new friends who have never met R and none of them like her either. They warn him too.

Fast forward to this summer. We are getting ready to go to our junior year of college. N is worried that being a virgin is going to hurt his social life in the future. R is newly single and home for the summer. (She goes to school 2 states away.) N takes his chance. They are now dating. He’s doing it so that he can hopefully get laid and not have the “Virgin” stigma hanging over his head. She’s possibly doing it so that she can get something out of it. I wouldn’t put it passed her. If you couldn’t tell, I’m not a big fan of her.

I’ve known N for a very long time. He’s been a really good friend and has given me some great advice. I used him as my psychologist for a while during high school because I was going through a lot. He was nice and listened and gave good advice. He tells me his opinion and lets me know when I’m fucking up. I do the same for him although I don’t think he’s ever really been told, “Look, you’re fucking up.” Well, until now. I told him it was a bad idea and that she’s a horrible person. When they “became official” he didn’t even tell me to my face. He wasn’t even man enough to tell me. He told people in the next room loud enough so that I would hear. This is someone I’ve regarded as family practically for the past 6 years and he won’t even tell me to my face that he’s dating this horrible person. My main reason is that she’s manipulative. N asked me if people in a relationship could manipulate each other. To which I essentially laughed in his face before fixing my composer and replying with a, “Yes, of course!”

I think he’s making a big mistake. All this does is question all of his advice that he’s given me in the past. If he’s making this big of an obvious mistake now, has he done so in the past? Will he do it again? Should I trust his advice any more.

This is just half of my problem right now….

Home Alone: Lost in a cornfield

My family is gone! Oh my! I’m so excited! At first I was a little scared, I’m not going to lie. I’m going to admit right  now, I’m 20 years old and I’m afraid of the dark and being alone. I live in a good neighborhood in a good town with very little crime so I don’t really know what I was worried about.

As soon as my family left, I went and took nice cool bath. This was going to be amazing, this was going to be the little bit of relaxation I’ve been looking for all summer. Then my friend, N, texted me. He starts questioning my relationship with a friend of mine. This guy is a nice guy, he really is. He lives 4 hours away. I don’t do long distance relationships. I will say that time and time again and something tells me that I will still end up in a long distance relationship, but more on that later. He has been texting me and talking to me and inviting me to do things four hours away. Most of the time I just say, “Sorry, I’m busy.” or “Hmm, I don’t really have the money.” I finally caved because he asked me to go to something that actually really sounded fun! Chicago’s Irish Fest is coming up. I am very very proud of my Irish heritage and go to the local one every year for the past 4 years. It’s one thing I look forward to every year. This is a 4 hour drive. Things are going pretty well with me and J so I don’t really want to mess this up. I like him…A lot.

My friend N texted me and said, “Hey, [this guy 4 hours away] REALLY likes you. Don’t fuck things up as you are oft to do.” except more eloquent because he’s nice and smart like that. I invite J to accompany me to Chicago and he says maybe. -eyeroll- That’s one thing I don’t like. Maybes. Most of the time they’re just “nos” trying to be nice.

Feeling incredibly awkward especially after waking up and having someone annoymously tell me that they would like to have sex with me and would like to know what my masturbation habits are like, I try to figure out what to do. How do I let this guy know that I just want to be friends without having that horrible cliche comig up. “Sorry, I just want to be friends. Put your clothes on and go home.”

I finally get the chance. He asked me why I canclled a party that I was going to have this week. I said “Well there’s a lot of drama going on in my circle of friends and I just don’t want that at my house, ya know?” He asks what type of drama and I say, “Well this guy likes every female he knows including me. This guy I’m kinda seeing’s ex girlfriend would be invited and would possibly bring her boy and this guy I’m kinda seeing doesn’t really want to be around both of them.” He then starts getting angry with him. They don’t even know each other! He’s telling me that J just needs to man up and stop being such a pussy and get over it. While I sorta agree (okay really agree) I didn’t think he had any right at all saying about him. I was kinda taken aback by that. I think I’m going to be okay with it, but still, what?

Update on M and L! They’re Facebook official. I’m so happy for them! I’m gonna say it here because if said elsewhere, I might get very bad looks….

Awkward conversations

Things have been going really well lately. I tell boy that I like, J, that I like him more than I probably should and he says, “Yeah, me too.” This results in many nights hanging out together (no nothing more. I don’t know if I’m ready for that or not.) It’s nice but I still have a sneaky feeling that he’s still pining after ex girlfriend. And she wants him too…

I get an email today from J’s ex girlfriend, M. I’m dreading reading this because it could go many ways, my most fearful is that she would start yelling at me for trying to steal her man even though they’ve broken up. I’m dreading reading this.

I finally read it. She gave me the go ahead.

-me staring in shock at the email re-reading it many times-

This is amazing. I figured she’d be upset. But no! She is currently seeing a good friend of mine, L. They went on a date on Friday and hit it off! I hope many good things for these two. They’re great people who deserve great things. She likes him, he likes her and I’ve been given permission to date the guy I like! Every thing seems to be going great! I honestly haven’t been this happy in a long time!

Next week the fam is going out of town which means I’m on puppy duty. I’m supposed to have a party like I did last year, I’ve even been given permission from my family to go ahead and have one. I just don’t know if I want to or not…

Everything’s going so well though, I’m just waiting for something bad to happen. Usually when I’m starting to feel happy about my life and where I’m at, I get a call or email from my exboyfriend. He recently broke up with his girlfriend, the person I thought was a friend of mine before they started dating. I’m just waiting for it. Dreading it. Expecting it.

I’m in a much happier place than I was last summer at this time. Last summer I threw all of my common sense out the window and did what I thought was going to be best for me but really knew otherwise. This summer, I’m following my gut. Listening to things that I know I should, people’s advice, my own intution. I keep asking myself “WWSD?” S being my friend who makes good choices.

Her and her boy, T, came to visit. The one I really like. Well, liked. I saw him and it just wasn’t there. Something has changed between us. Either he’s changed, or I have or we both have. I’m happy though, I didn’t want to ruin my relationship with S. She’s a great person who I love dearly. If I happened to get married right now, she’d be my maid of honor.

I think about these things even though I’m not seriously seeing anyone. I hope to get married one day. If not actually get married but have a kick ass party, that would work too…

Bed time for me now.